I've been surprisingly positive about myself for most of the year, but due to certain circumstances I find myself falling back into the same old pattern as before, and I'm starting to feel negative about myself again.

One of these circumstances concerns the thing I wrote about at the end of my last post. I know I'm supposed to do so much more about that situation than I'm currently doing. But I just have such a strong resentment toward the situation, and much worse, to the person involved. This resentment is so strong, that I wish I could just let it all go, and don't care about it anymore. Coupled with my tendency to hide behind my self-erected walls, this makes it nearly impossible for me to really do more. This makes me feel really guilty, and it sometimes makes me question the kind of person I am.

The other circumstance isn't nearly quite as dramatic, though my feelings certainly won't agree. I really believed that I had a pretty good connection with a certain someone, but that belief has come under fire the last couple of weeks. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, it wouldn't be the first time, but I just can't shake the feeling that that person has grown distant toward me. And I just can't stop wondering if it's something I might have said or done. What makes it much worse is, again, my tendency to hide behind my walls in situations like this, even towards other people, instead of talking about it. Maybe I'm just afraid of the truth.

I know I shouldn't form such a negative opinion of myself, but the truth is, despite all the progress I made over the years, I still don't like myself that much. If something goes wrong in social situations, my first thought is still always that it must be my fault, even though I have absolutely no clue what that fault might be.

At least I'm glad I have this blog, which in some ways I can consider as my therapy. Writing seems to be able to provide me with a release that talking could never do.