It’s been a while since my last update. Sorry about that! It’s been so busy at work, that I just want to relax when I get home. And however much I love to write, I can never really say that I find it relaxing.

My social life also seems to be picking up lately. I’m actually spending more time on the phone the last couple of months, and I have a busier schedule than usual. And as some of you may know already, I’m also planning to buy a new apartment. I recently had a talk with the mortgage advisor, and a lot of the concepts are much clearer to me now. I just need to think about it for a while, and maybe talk to other people to get a better impression.

I visited my cousin on Wednesday because her twins just had their first birthday. They are soooo cute! They also seem to be much more familiar with me now. I was able to be more actively involved in playing with them than the first couple of times.

By the way, I’ve received a lot of positive comments. I want to thank everyone for reading my blog, and in the meantime, I promise I’ll try to update it more often.

I attended a PL/SQL training at Oracle near Utrecht on Monday and Tuesday. The subject matter was interesting and useful, but the training itself was kind of boring. Too much theory and not enough practice. But hey, I did receive a certificate, and isn’t that what we all want?

I made use of the opportunity to meet up with a friend who lives in Utrecht. We had dinner at a Korean restaurant. The food was good (but I still don’t like the kimchi!), and I even drank soju for the first time in more than two years (14 euro for a bottle! I can remember paying less than a euro for a bottle of soju at the Family Mart!). Hearing the Korean language around me again, and tasting the food brought back a lot of memories. It was such an amazing time in Korea. Unbelievable how time flies.

The evening was a great success in my opinion. I thought it would be nice to see my friend again, but I didn’t think that I would enjoy her company that much. I was actually sad when I had to drop her off at her home at the end of the evening. Haha, probably just another sign that I’m changing inside. At times, I can even almost convince myself that I’d rather be around the people I care about than spending some quality time with myself. That’s probably a good thing, but it’s just a strange and unfamiliar feeling for me.

Back in the office, I found that I was invited for three or four meetings for the rest of the week (Ugh! I hate meetings!). It’s going to be busy and hectic in the coming period. People in the company seem to have faith in me, but the cynic in me keeps wondering if I’m up for the task. Oddly enough, I don’t really feel any stress or anxiety as a result. Seems like you can even get used to feeling insecure about yourself.

A personal victory

I have to admit that posting my first entry to my blog has been somewhat scary for me. It is one of the most personal things I have ever written, and it is certainly the most personal piece of writing that I've ever shared with other people. After having written it down, I had doubts on whether to publish it or not. And even after I've put in on the web, I still needed a couple of days to convince myself that I wanted, maybe even needed, to share it with other people.

Fortunately, the need to share my thoughts and feelings proved to be stronger than the fear, that same fear I've been struggling with for as long as I can remember. I have already acknowledged that that fear will forever remain a part of me. Though there will still be many occassions that I will feel hampered by it, I try not to let it rule over my life anymore, as it has often done so in the past. I know I still have a long way to go. But if I compare myself to how I was as recent as ten years ago, I also know that I've come a long way already.

Here's a final note to those who read my first post and are worried about me being too negative about myself. Don't. As paradoxical as it may sound, that negativity is an essential step for me to acquire a more positive attitude towards myself in the end.

First things first

Before I proceed, I have to get something off my chest first.

I hate myself. And the feeling’s mutual.

There, I finally said it. Actually, I’ve said it many times before, but always in my own head, where I’m the only person who can hear it. But now I said it out in the open, where everybody can hear it. If they’re interested, that is.

Why do I hate myself, you ask?

I hate myself because I can be so shy.
I hate myself because I can be so boring.
I hate myself because I can be so anti-social.
I hate myself because I can be so insecure.
I hate myself because I can be so indecisive.
I hate myself because I can feel so much safer within my own little world, instead of in the “real” world.
I hate myself because I can seem so uncaring towards the people I care the most about.
I hate myself because I can feel so passionate about so many things, and yet not have enough courage to act upon them (and yes, even including something as stupid as love!).
To sum it up nicely, I hate myself because I can be such a loser.

But the one thing I hate most about myself though is that nagging voice in my head, who keeps repeating the above lines to me over and over again…

Like I’ve said, the feeling’s mutual.