Car Accident

We got into a car accident yesterday, while we were driving to the Vodafone Sales Challenge with a couple of colleagues. Luckily, the impact itself wasn’t that great, so no one got hurt. But my friend’s car got badly damaged, so that really sucks.

Within half an hour, a lot of people at Vodafone have already heard of the accident. Then again, we were in a very conspicuous spot on the highway. Every colleague who left after us to go to the Sales Challenge was able to see us standing by the road. And speaking of people seeing us, a lot of cars actually slowed down when they saw us, just to get a better look. Never mind that a long traffic jam was forming; let us all stare at those unfortunate people while we have the chance. That is something I’ll never understand. Why are people always so fascinated by accidents??

Monsterboard

I updated my profile on Monsterboard last week, just for the sake of it, and not because I was looking for a new job. Since then, I’ve gotten several job offers through phone and e-mail. Though I feel very flattered about the offers, I have no intention whatsoever of changing jobs in the near future.

Nonetheless, it does give me some confidence for the future. Of course, there is still work to do if you are actually interested in one of the offers, but it’s nice to know that I can apparently leave my profile at Monsterboard and then just sit back and watch the offers roll in (ok, so that may be a bit of an overstatement). And it's not even like I spent hours tweaking my profile; all I did was add my current function. I think it’s a pretty good indication of how having “Business Intelligence Specialist” as your job title can help your popularity in the job market. Every company nowadays wants a couple of those, while there are tons of consultancy firms specializing in that area.

On the other hand, it also makes me realize even more how badly I was underpaid during my first year, even though it was a big improvement over my previous situation. Ah well, I guess you live and learn, and I have to say that has been largely corrected now. At least now I know I should be much more demanding at the negotiating table next time around :-)

What does writing mean for me?

In one of my previous posts, I asked myself whether I was still passionate about writing. I’ve been mulling over this question often since then, and I still don’t have a definite answer. But upon reflection, I’ve become more and more convinced that it wasn’t the right question to ask. The real question here is not even whether I have the required talent, though that’s certainly still open for debate. The real question here is whether I possess enough courage to write.

In a sense, writing has become some sort of metaphor of my life. I’ve always had issues with intimacy during my life. I’ve never quite figured out how to deal with these issues, and I’ve always felt that intimacy was sorely lacking in my life. And it is from this sense of missing that my urge – I believe passion may not be the correct word here – for writing has developed. I believe that on some level, I hoped that writing will enable me to express my feelings, which I am not able to in life. And just as in life, I’ve also failed to achieve that in my writing. And just as in life, I get scared and crawl back into my shell, rather than to face those failures. And just as in life, I come up with all these excuses to deny those fears. I’m not quitting because I’m scared; I just feel so secure about myself that I have no need for intimacy. Maybe I don’t even care that much in the first place. I’m just being rational, that’s all. But that’s all just a bunch of bullshit. I’m not secure about myself; in fact I’m scared as hell. I do care a lot. And crawling back into my shell is definitely not being rational.

In fact, when I think about it, I can come up with very specific examples of all three excuses given above. Ever since I got my new job, I’ve slowly lulled myself into a false sense of security. I’ve got a great job which I love, and I’ve got my own apartment. Things are going great, and that’s all I need in life. But my goals and desires in life are not mutually exclusive, or even negatively correlated. Just because I achieved this one specific goal in life, doesn’t mean that my other desires and goals have somehow diminished in importance. Landing a good job should have fueled my self-confidence in other areas of my life. But instead, I’ve used it as a shield to hide behind.

Asking myself whether I have the passion or talent for writing were excuses as well. A part of me was hoping that I would say no to these questions. If I lack the passion, than that means I don’t care. If I lack the talent, than the rational thing to do would be to stop trying. And whether I have the required talent is a moot point anyway. My reasons to write were never about acquiring fame or fortune in the first place. Sure, if writing can provide me with those – which I sincerely doubt – then I’ll gladly take them. Like I mentioned above, the reason for me to write was and is the hope it can somehow liberate my feelings.

So now what? Coming to this insight was a revelation for me, but it’s far from enough. The barriers I’ve erected for myself are still standing strong, and it will take a lot of time and effort to break them down. That is when I’m even trying to break down those barriers. The thought of them crumbling down still terrifies me. The safety they provide me may be illusory, but I still feel it nonetheless.

I also have to keep in mind that when it comes to my writing and my life, that the one reinforces the other. Being more receptive to my own feelings and emotions will benefit my writing, while at the same time writing about my feelings and emotions will make it easier for me to become less afraid of them. But the same also applies in the opposite direction. By shutting off my feelings and emotions, I will never to able to truly write as I want, while denying my feelings and emotions in my writing will only reinforce the fears I have for them.

My photo's in the USA

To see the photo's I made in the US last month, go here.

My vacation in the US Part IV: Chicago

I spent the last 2 days of my vacation in Chicago. One great thing about Chicago became apparent immediately when I went to buy my subway ticket from the airport to the hotel. For just 4 dollars a day, you can buy a visitor’s pass, where you have unlimited access to the buses and subways. Sweeeet!

It was about 6 pm when I met up HeeRa and Curtis again at the hotel. During the first evening, we walked around Grant Park, which was close to our hotel, and visited the Buckingham Fountain there (some of you may know it as the fountain in the opening credits of Married with Children).

We walked to Navy Pier afterward, where we walked around and had dinner there. We also went to Rush Street afterward, just to have a look and a quick drink. I’ve never heard of Rush Street before (but then again, I knew next to nothing about Chicago), but apparently it’s really famous, and is the place to be in nightlife Chicago.

The next morning, Curtis and I took a walk in Grant Park, for a large part alongside Lake Michigan. The lake is really beautiful, not at all what I expected. If you didn't know better, you’d have thought it was the sea, and the water is definitely much cleaner than at the North Sea. There are also lots of museums close to the park, which look really interesting.

We went to the John Hancock building to the 94th floor, where tourists can look out over Chicago. We then had pizza at Gino’s East, which is apparently a legendary place in Chicago, where you have to wait 2 hours in line when it’s busy. The pizza was pretty good, but I didn’t think it was that special. And they made us wait for 10 minutes outside when the restaurant was half empty. *sigh* Why do they do that? It doesn’t make sense, and just pisses customers off. At night we went to see Wicked, which was the first time I’ve seen a play. I really enjoyed it, and it was definitely worth every penny we paid for.

We had dinner at Chinatown afterward, since I had to try American Chinese food before I left. We had Crab Rangoon (deep-fried dumplings filled with cream cheese and imitation crab), General Tso’s chicken (tastes a bit like Kou Lo Kai in my opinion), and beef with broccoli (which we also have in the Netherlands actually). I didn't care much for the Crab Rangoon; the cream cheese - dumpling combination was a bit weird, but it seems to be an American favourite. I liked the other two dishes though.

On the last day, we went to the Museum of Science and Industry. We saw an IMAX movie of mummification, and also looked at the U-505 submarine exhibits. We then walked around the museum for a while. The museum was enormous though, I think we just saw a small part of the museum.

After that, it was time to go back. *sniff* On the one hand, I definitely wished I could stay longer, but on the other hand, I was getting pretty tired of traveling around, and I was looking forward to going back and just relax at home.


High Point: Wicked
Low Point: Leaving…

P.S. Transferring at Heathrow sucks. It took almost two hours from gate to gate due to all the safety measures and long lines. A lot of people were freaked out about maybe missing their next flight. At least the terminal was nice.