Every time this year, I'm reminded again how much I really hate the holiday season. When Christmas and the new year come along, somehow this whole affection (for lack of a better word) thing become even more important than usual, which in turn makes me even more self-conscious than usual. Despite all the progress I made in the last couple of years, deep down inside, I'm still the same shy, awkward kid I used to be.

In previous years, I've always managed to tough it out, even sending out text messages and making phone calls while actually showing my face around the family. For some reason, I was not able to do that this year. All I wanted was to shy away from other people and hide in my apartment. Maybe I just feel empty after the last couple of months. I like to believe that the move to Amsterdam and the increased pressure and workload at work (sometimes coupled with an increasing sense of helplessness) doesn't really affect me at all, but to be honest, it does. It's an exaggeration to say that the reporting at Vodafone would have collapsed without me, but sometimes I wonder how the situation would have been if I had left the company. On the other hand, I made the decision to stay knowing fully that things would be extremely frustrating for the coming year, which in retrospect might even be too optimistic. Still, I've been struggling to regain the joy and motivation I used to have at work. I just need to stay aware of what we are trying to achieve within our team and within our department. That in itself should be a huge source of motivation. I have to remember: baby steps…

At least, I hope the way I feel now can be as easily explained as that. Lately I've been thinking a lot about myself again. In some ways, I don't feel like a normal person at all. Is it because I hit the big 3-0 in November? I don't really feel any different than before, but it might be a factor subconsciously. I guess at some point, you seriously start to question the things you've done or haven't done, which in my case is mostly in the "haven't done" department. Is it normal that I've never had a relationship in my life? Is it normal that I'm still a virgin? Is it normal I've never kissed anyone before? For that matter, it is normal that I've never even touched anyone before in an affectionate way (or vice versa)? Is it normal that I am utterly incapable of showing any affection whatsoever? And I know the apathetic way I behave is not always fair towards my family and friends, but how to get over the hump? These are questions I've been mulling over and over again in my head…

In the past, I always believed that these are things I would develop as I get older, though it may take me much longer than others. But now, I'm starting to reach a point where it all just seems hopeless. Which of course, sometimes results in an extreme case of "I don't care" mentality. Sometimes I really do wish I didn't care at all, which would make things so much easier.

On the other hand, deep down inside I'm glad that I actually do care. Sometimes, that's the only proof I have that I'm not entirely without emotions…