Musings on the Last Day of Summer

This is probably one of the few days left in the year where the weather will be this nice. In a way, the weather today is better than it had been during high summer. There is a slight breeze which keeps the temperature cool and provides a fresh breath of air. Once in a while, the sun is able to break through the white clouds and take away the slight chill, and it strikes me every time again at how pleasant that is. Would I have appreciated the sun better if it was shining brightly all the time? Perhaps, or perhaps not. I know most people prefer the hot summer days, and to be honest, I am inclined to agree with them on most occasions. But a day like this has its own specific charms, and it does fit my current melancholic mood better. No throngs of people going out to enjoy the sun and have fun, but just me and the IJ, with only the occasional person strolling or cycling by. I just needed to relax and clear my mind.

For the people who know me well, you may know that I am highly susceptible to negative thoughts regarding myself. And if you have read my previous posts, you may know that I have been struggling to break out of those thoughts. In the last couple of weeks, I have not been able to do that. Instead, my negative thought seem to take hold of me as I found myself spiraling downwards. During those moments, I also tend to break all contact with other people, and just retreat within myself. However, as I sat there today on the long red bench taking in the view, scribbling away in my notebook, I started to ponder. Why do I keep focusing on the negative things when there are also so many positive things?

• I have a pretty good job, and I'm actually good at it if I say so myself. Even more, I also think I have a relatively proactive attitude when it comes to solving problems. If you had told me that 5 years ago, I would have thought you were crazy (or just making a feeble attempt to make me feel better).
  
• I have been working out, and even started running outside regularly. I think my fitness has improved dramatically over the last 2 years, and I consider myself as above average. Seeing how weak and sick I was as a child, this is obviously something I am very proud of.
  
• Even though it is only September, I have read more books this year than any other year before, despite me complaining all the time how busy I am. I try to read whenever I'm in the tram, even if it's just a 10-15 minute ride. If you add that up, that's a lot of free time.
  
• I even started writing again, although most of it is still in my head. I still have trouble actually putting the words down on paper (On hard disk? On Google Docs?), but writing scenes in my head is still better than blocking it out. I'm not happy yet at the level of commitment I'm showing, but it's better to take it slowly than to feel frustrated I guess.
  
• This may sound strange to some of you, but I think I've become more social over the years. Yes, I used to be that bad.
  

So those are a lot of positives I built up over the years, especially knowing what kind of person I used to be. Of course, I still feel there are a lot of things about myself l I need to improve, but I have to remember that it is a long and difficult process. So next time, if I feel bad about myself (I have no doubt that I will have many more of those days), I hope I'll take the time to relax and clear my mind again. And hopefully I´ll be able to remind myself that I have already come a very long way, and in the meantime I´ll just keep working on myself.