Self Management

I had a great training on Thursday and Friday called 'Self Management'. I wasn't entirely sure what to expect at first, but I was happy to find that it was what I actually was hoping for. Instead of focusing on techniques and skills, the training was much more about getting in touch and being aware of your feelings within. Our thoughts and feelings are largely formed by your childhood years, which heavily influences the way you act or behave. We then all develop behavioral patterns which we are barely conscious of, but which are triggered automatically whenever a certain situation or frustration arises. We analyzed a few of these frustrations and the way it triggers our pattern, and it was amazing and emotional to see how these frustrations all stems from a deeper desire or fear. By being aware of this, we then suddenly realize that we have another choice than behaving in the way we have always done. It also allows us to view ourselves and other people in a more compassionate light.

The funny thing is, I was also reading a book about Schema Therapy, which is very similar to what is discussed in the training. I have been struggling with myself more than usual for the last couple of months. I feel I want to change, and need to change, but I was at a loss on how to accomplish this. I have analyzed my thoughts and feelings to death over the years, and I feel I have a pretty good insight, but I can't seem to get beyond that. At times I even wondered whether it would be easier just to give up fighting and give in to my dark side. I knew in my heart that I need help from others, that it felt like a Catch-22. I need help from other people to make myself feel better, but I needed to feel better about myself first before I'm able to seek help from others.

So the timing of the training couldn't have been better. For me, it felt like therapy. For me, it has been a very confrontational and emotional 2 days, and I suspect for the other as well. Hey, for the first time in I don't know how long, I wasn't even thinking about work! This was truly something I needed. Of course, it doesn't mean that I'm 'healed' now, whatever that migt mean, and there are still a lot of unanswered questions which only I can answer for myself. But it does mean that I feel a flicker of hope again that it's not too late to change, that I could still be the person that I want to be, and not who I falsely believe myself to be.

P.S. There will be a follow up of the training of 2 days in 4 weeks time. Can't wait!!