Musings on the Last Day of Summer

This is probably one of the few days left in the year where the weather will be this nice. In a way, the weather today is better than it had been during high summer. There is a slight breeze which keeps the temperature cool and provides a fresh breath of air. Once in a while, the sun is able to break through the white clouds and take away the slight chill, and it strikes me every time again at how pleasant that is. Would I have appreciated the sun better if it was shining brightly all the time? Perhaps, or perhaps not. I know most people prefer the hot summer days, and to be honest, I am inclined to agree with them on most occasions. But a day like this has its own specific charms, and it does fit my current melancholic mood better. No throngs of people going out to enjoy the sun and have fun, but just me and the IJ, with only the occasional person strolling or cycling by. I just needed to relax and clear my mind.

For the people who know me well, you may know that I am highly susceptible to negative thoughts regarding myself. And if you have read my previous posts, you may know that I have been struggling to break out of those thoughts. In the last couple of weeks, I have not been able to do that. Instead, my negative thought seem to take hold of me as I found myself spiraling downwards. During those moments, I also tend to break all contact with other people, and just retreat within myself. However, as I sat there today on the long red bench taking in the view, scribbling away in my notebook, I started to ponder. Why do I keep focusing on the negative things when there are also so many positive things?

• I have a pretty good job, and I'm actually good at it if I say so myself. Even more, I also think I have a relatively proactive attitude when it comes to solving problems. If you had told me that 5 years ago, I would have thought you were crazy (or just making a feeble attempt to make me feel better).
  
• I have been working out, and even started running outside regularly. I think my fitness has improved dramatically over the last 2 years, and I consider myself as above average. Seeing how weak and sick I was as a child, this is obviously something I am very proud of.
  
• Even though it is only September, I have read more books this year than any other year before, despite me complaining all the time how busy I am. I try to read whenever I'm in the tram, even if it's just a 10-15 minute ride. If you add that up, that's a lot of free time.
  
• I even started writing again, although most of it is still in my head. I still have trouble actually putting the words down on paper (On hard disk? On Google Docs?), but writing scenes in my head is still better than blocking it out. I'm not happy yet at the level of commitment I'm showing, but it's better to take it slowly than to feel frustrated I guess.
  
• This may sound strange to some of you, but I think I've become more social over the years. Yes, I used to be that bad.
  

So those are a lot of positives I built up over the years, especially knowing what kind of person I used to be. Of course, I still feel there are a lot of things about myself l I need to improve, but I have to remember that it is a long and difficult process. So next time, if I feel bad about myself (I have no doubt that I will have many more of those days), I hope I'll take the time to relax and clear my mind again. And hopefully I´ll be able to remind myself that I have already come a very long way, and in the meantime I´ll just keep working on myself.

An Open Letter to Myself: Part II

Dear me,

You are such an idiot! You say that I drag you down, when in truth you are the one who drags us both down with your stupid hope. You say that I am the reason for your fear, when in truth your unrealistic expectations are the reason for your fear. You call me a dark presence, when in truth I am only protecting you against yourself. The higher your hopes are, the further you have to fall.

Just think back on the last couple of weeks. You fooled yourself into believing that there is hope (again that horrible word!), that there could be something more, but where has it gotten you? Exactly nowhere. The sad thing is that you really struggled to do your best, and that you have nothing to show for it. I bet that nobody is even aware of it. How often have you heard that you should try harder? Or even better still, why don't you just give it a try? Perhaps you will now finally face the truth after all these years of failure: your best is just not good enough.

Just as you will never get rid of me, I will probably never get rid of you. But if you think I am going to go along peacefully with your foolish ideas, you are even crazier than I thought. It would be fucking hilarious if I wasn't the same person as you, but as it is, you are hurting the both of us. So please spare us both the humiliation and stop acting like a fool.

Sincerely mine,

Daniel

An Open Letter to Myself

Dear me,

You have been with me for as long as I can remember. You were always there with me, I could always feel your dark presence. Even in my happiest moments, you were there, lingering within my mind. You were always there with your whisperings, ready to drag me down, ready to beat me back into submission. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Ha! How much I wish that was true!

But you know what?
I am tired of being dragged down because of you.
I am tired of being afraid all the time because of you.
I am tired of making excuses for myself because of you.
And I am tired of not being able to lead life to the fullest because of you.

You have dominated my life long enough. Despite your constant incessant whisperings, I still believe that there is hope. I still believe because I have seen her with my own eyes. And I still believe because I have felt her in my own heart. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, my own heart will always be mine and never fully yours. You see, if that hope is snatched away by the very person I'm hoping for, I will eventually learn to live with that, no matter how much it hurts. But I refuse to have that hope be snatched away by you, before it even have had the chance to be nurtured and to develop into something more.

I realize now that I will never get rid of you and that you'll always be a part of me. So be it. There will be days when you will have the upper hand, when I feel I am defeated. But as long as there is hope, you cannot keep me down forever. I sincerely hope that one day we can be friends, that we can work together towards a common goal. But until then, we will have to find a way to co-exist together.


Sincerely mine,
Daniel