Reasons for Writing

This is probably the 20^th time I said this, but it's been a while since I last updated my blog. The truth is, with a few notable exceptions, I am not really satisfied with what I have written. Part of the reason is that I still lack the courage to be completely open and honest, so I end up censoring myself. As a result, my writing comes out awkward and strained, as if it doesn't really reflect my feelings and thoughts, but merely a poor copy of it. I always wonder if the readers experience it the same way I do. Do they notice when I'm particularly dissatisfied with a piece of writing?

So, why do I keep coming back? Why do I keep writing even though the self-torturous process of writing itself offers me no real satisfaction? I recently read a passage from Michael Allen's "The Truth about Writing", where he writes that to answer that question, you just have to look at what you daydream about. So what do I daydream about? Is it money? Well, I have certainly often thought how cool it would be if I could become rich with writing, but to be honest, getting rich has never been part of my fantasies. I don't fantasize about having millions or living in a big mansion and stuff like that. No, getting rich would be a nice bonus, but it definitely is not a motivation.

Is it fame then? Ah, we're getting much closer now, and on the surface, the answer would seem to be a wholehearted yes. I have fantasized regularly about being famous, about being recognized for the work I've done. I've daydreamed about giving interviews, or having my face on covers. But when I dug a little deeper however, I realized that fame itself isn't really a motivation at all. Yes, I've dreamt about being on TV or on magazine covers, but they are not the end goal but merely a means to the end. I've never dreamt about adoring fans or being recognized on street (I surely hope not!), but my thoughts always wander to what effect it would have on the people I know. In the end, it is always about impressing the people I know, stemming from a deep-rooted insecurity within myself. It's as if I believe that my current persona is an inadequate representation of myself. But once I become famous however… well, things would surely get much better. People will finally realize how intelligent and sensitive I really am. And then… the world will finally open its eyes and be able to fully appreciate and bask in the glory that is me (Ok ok, I'm exaggerating now, and yes, in case you haven't noticed, I looove to exaggerate).

This course of thinking is completely ridiculous of course, but there you go. Realizing that it's ridiculous does not make it any less true however, that's just how my brain functions apparently. But realizing this does help me recognize what is my true goal when I'm writing. The quality of writing in itself is not the most important aspect. After all, I just discerned that fame and money are not the real motivation behind my writing, it's about communication with other people, about acceptance, from others but also from myself, for who I am. I'm not saying that the quality is not important at all, but it is much more important that I write from my feelings, and that I feel free to do so without worrying too much about the actual wording and structure. Of course, as it turns out, I do my best writing when I feel that freedom. Perhaps it's just a subjective opinion, but that's what I truly believe.

Lately, I have been thinking often about how I wrote as a child. There was so much more creativity and imagination, and so much less fear and anxiety in those stories. I remember writing fantastical stories in Dutch just a few months after moving to the Netherlands. When years later I read them again, I found out that the grammar was completely wrong. But who cares? Just get my ideas and feelings on paper, and if truly needed, I can always correct the grammar and spelling afterwards.

I am trying to rediscover that feeling of freedom and joy I had when writing as a child. I said earlier that the self-torturous process of writing offers me no satisfaction. It wasn't a complete lie, but it was a half-truth at best. Yes, I have often feel frustrated and incompetent when I'm trying to write, but there are moments, moments like now actually, when the words are just flowing on the computer screen, that I feel a deep satisfaction, a satisfaction that I rarely feel in my life otherwise. This is what I love to do, this is who I am, and perhaps in the end that is truly the goal. Even though I am always craving approval from other people, I find that I am at my happiest when I am able to gain approval from myself, when I feel that I have accomplished something. And nothing gives me a bigger sense of accomplishment than writing something I myself believe in.