Has the previous week been good or bad?


Well, I finally acted upon my feelings, not something I do a lot. It probably wasn’t even anything special at all, but it was hugely significant for me personally. Of course, I didn’t actually expect a positive response, nor did I receive one, and I can’t help but wonder if I shouldn’t have done anything at all or handled things completely differently. But let’s not dwell too much on the negative, shall we? I had been doing plenty of that already these past few days. I need to believe that I achieved some form of personal victory. The fact that I acted at all must mean that I made some progress, right, and that maybe there is still hope for me after all? Who knows, maybe I’m just fooling myself, but it’s either that or wallow in self-pity. I’ve done a lot of the latter in the past, and frankly it’s not a very appealing option anymore.

It helped that I had a dinner appointment with the trainer of the Self-Management course I did a few months ago. Talking to her helps me to put things in perspective, and gives me the belief that I can change if I really want to, even though I still have trouble taking the next step. In March and April, I’m going follow some additional training, and I hope I will benefit from that. Funny, I had been thinking about therapy for some years already, but I never dared to take that step. And as it turns out, it is a training from work which might finally help me break through the barrier.

I also promised myself that I would start doing things I like. For example, I attended the ballet ‘Don Quichot’ last week, and I absolutely loved it, and am exploring what other cultural events I can attend. I’m also searching the Web for workshops about writing, and I’m still seriously thinking about following a part-time education. In the past, I always used the excuse that I’m alone, so I don’t feel like doing anything. But who cares? Before I forget, I actually like being alone, so why should it stop me from going out and do things? I found that it actually makes me feel better about myself, and who knows, once I start to feel good about myself, I might feel more comfortable around other people.

Things are also looking up at work. For the first time, I actually have the feeling that we are committed to try to improve things. We’ll have to wait and see how that goes, but for now I feel excited and energized, a feeling that has been lacking for far too long. I have lots of ideas in my head, as I think many others as well, and I would be extremely disappointed if this time we fail again in making good progress.

Hmm, actually, when I sum up everything, it does seem to have been a pretty good week. I think my feelings were just a bit skewed towards the bad. Then again, perhaps the answer does not lie in what had happened in the previous days, but what will happen in the following weeks, months or even years. I feel as if I am at a crossroads, and despite my tendency to be still negative about myself, I do believe that I have the choice on which path to follow. Let’s just hope that I possess the courage and wisdom to make the correct decisions.