Has the previous week been good or bad?


Well, I finally acted upon my feelings, not something I do a lot. It probably wasn’t even anything special at all, but it was hugely significant for me personally. Of course, I didn’t actually expect a positive response, nor did I receive one, and I can’t help but wonder if I shouldn’t have done anything at all or handled things completely differently. But let’s not dwell too much on the negative, shall we? I had been doing plenty of that already these past few days. I need to believe that I achieved some form of personal victory. The fact that I acted at all must mean that I made some progress, right, and that maybe there is still hope for me after all? Who knows, maybe I’m just fooling myself, but it’s either that or wallow in self-pity. I’ve done a lot of the latter in the past, and frankly it’s not a very appealing option anymore.

It helped that I had a dinner appointment with the trainer of the Self-Management course I did a few months ago. Talking to her helps me to put things in perspective, and gives me the belief that I can change if I really want to, even though I still have trouble taking the next step. In March and April, I’m going follow some additional training, and I hope I will benefit from that. Funny, I had been thinking about therapy for some years already, but I never dared to take that step. And as it turns out, it is a training from work which might finally help me break through the barrier.

I also promised myself that I would start doing things I like. For example, I attended the ballet ‘Don Quichot’ last week, and I absolutely loved it, and am exploring what other cultural events I can attend. I’m also searching the Web for workshops about writing, and I’m still seriously thinking about following a part-time education. In the past, I always used the excuse that I’m alone, so I don’t feel like doing anything. But who cares? Before I forget, I actually like being alone, so why should it stop me from going out and do things? I found that it actually makes me feel better about myself, and who knows, once I start to feel good about myself, I might feel more comfortable around other people.

Things are also looking up at work. For the first time, I actually have the feeling that we are committed to try to improve things. We’ll have to wait and see how that goes, but for now I feel excited and energized, a feeling that has been lacking for far too long. I have lots of ideas in my head, as I think many others as well, and I would be extremely disappointed if this time we fail again in making good progress.

Hmm, actually, when I sum up everything, it does seem to have been a pretty good week. I think my feelings were just a bit skewed towards the bad. Then again, perhaps the answer does not lie in what had happened in the previous days, but what will happen in the following weeks, months or even years. I feel as if I am at a crossroads, and despite my tendency to be still negative about myself, I do believe that I have the choice on which path to follow. Let’s just hope that I possess the courage and wisdom to make the correct decisions.

The Writer – Reader Relationship – Part 1

Maar ik zou niet willen dat deze laatste beweringen meteen tot een andere aanleiding geven, veel gehoord onder slechte schrijvers: dat je alleen voor jezelf schrijft. Wantrouw wie dat zegt, hij is een oneerlijke en leugenachtige narcist.

But I wouldn't want these last assumptions to lead to another conclusion, widely heard amongst lousy writers: that you only write for yourself. Distrust whoever says this, he is a dishonest and lying narcissist.

The above quote is from Umberto Eco in 'On Literature', in a section called 'The Writer and the Reader'. I thought it was funny, as I had a discussion with my cousin Gwen earlier this week on this exact topic. She, speaking more from a journalistic perspective, believes that the writer should always keep the reader in mind, and should therefore always write with the reader in mind. However, I write from a more therapeutic perspective, and I believe that a writer writes primarily for himself, and the reader is of secondary importance. So I couldn't suppress a smile while reading the above passage, even if the implication was that I am a dishonest narcissist.

Of course, the magic word in the quote is 'only'. I may believe that I write primarily for myself, but that does not mean that the reader is of no importance at all. After all, if the reader does not matter, I would have no legitimate reason to keep blogging. If I would write purely for myself, I would be content with leaving my writings in my notebook, or maybe even just in my head, where they can just lie peacefully. So yes, the reader does matter a lot, as writing is in essence another form of communication, so if there is no Reader, my writing would be devoid of any purpose. This realization in itself would, in my opinion, be sufficient to explain that I do not necessarily disagree with Eco, especially since the discussion I had with Gwen was more about the readability of a text (which ironically originated from Eco's 'On Literature', which we said was extremely hard to read and understand), and I believe that that is a completely discussion that what Eco had in mind.

Still, the Writer – Reader relationship is still very much an interesting topic, and strangely enough one that I failed to explore thoroughly in the past, even if only in my head. I need to think about it and hopefully write more about it later.