New Blog

Just started a new blog with the same title: The Musings of a Dreamer.

Just felt like having a fresh start. See you there hopefully!

Writing Workshop

Last weekend I participated in my first ever workshop, in my ongoing quest for self-improvement. :-) The workshop was called 'Simply Writing II: Completing it on the Page'. As the name implies, it is focused at helping you finish a piece of writing. The aim is to write and complete (the first draft of) a personal essay during the course of a weekend. Why a personal essay? Because it's short and manageable (and scalable!), and because it is based on personal experience, it makes it easier to know what to write about. Apart from that, I also learned more about writing technique itself, which helped me in understanding better what I'm doing when I'm writing. More importantly, it also helped me in letting go of the idea of writing 'perfectly', whatever that means. The main thing is to just keep writing without worrying about structure or finding le mot juste or whatever, until you actually start editing. The trainer was also very good in my opinion. She had a very bubbly personality who infected us with her enthusiasm (although I didn't really show), but at the same time, she also helped us in understanding the technical side of writing better.

Anyway, I don't want to talk too much about what I've learnt, but more about my feelings and impressions during the workshop (hardly surprising if you know me at all!). For me, it was an inspiring experience. Each of us had to finish an essay to bring in on Sunday. We then talked about the essays anonymously, focusing on what works and what we would like to know more about in a future draft, without resorting to any negative commentary. That really helped to put everyone at ease, and also to remove any preconceptions that might have existed otherwise. Amazingly, each participant was not only able to finish an essay, but each of us was also able to create something which is heartfelt and powerful. Something magical. Something authentic. Each and every piece evoked some kind of emotion within me, be it sadness, happiness, loneliness, belonging, hope or any other feeling. I now make it sound so sentimental, but it was nothing like that. More than anything, I think I felt a deep respect for everyone in the workshop. At times I even felt intimidated, in that I felt my piece was qualitatively inferior to the other ones. But I guess that's nonsense; my essay was far from perfect, but it contained many elements which I am justly proud of.

There is only one thing I'm worried about. I still find it very difficult and uncomfortable to be around other people. I hardly spoke at all during the sessions, and I often wondered if the others thought I was strange. so that's something I need to keep working on. I'm still happy I participated anyway. It's one of resolutions: despite my fears and anxieties, I'm just going to try and do the things I want to do, and to stop letting them control the way I live my life.

So now what? I definitely discovered a lot of new inspiration within myself; I probably haven't felt this inspired in writing since my childhood. The important thing is to keep the momentum going, to keep writing. I have been doing that for the last few weeks. Just write something every day, even if just for a few minutes. Ignore all the destructive tendencies. Just let the creativity flow onto the page without worrying too much. And it does work. The more I write, the more I want to write. Surely, things can only get better from here.

Has the previous week been good or bad?


Well, I finally acted upon my feelings, not something I do a lot. It probably wasn’t even anything special at all, but it was hugely significant for me personally. Of course, I didn’t actually expect a positive response, nor did I receive one, and I can’t help but wonder if I shouldn’t have done anything at all or handled things completely differently. But let’s not dwell too much on the negative, shall we? I had been doing plenty of that already these past few days. I need to believe that I achieved some form of personal victory. The fact that I acted at all must mean that I made some progress, right, and that maybe there is still hope for me after all? Who knows, maybe I’m just fooling myself, but it’s either that or wallow in self-pity. I’ve done a lot of the latter in the past, and frankly it’s not a very appealing option anymore.

It helped that I had a dinner appointment with the trainer of the Self-Management course I did a few months ago. Talking to her helps me to put things in perspective, and gives me the belief that I can change if I really want to, even though I still have trouble taking the next step. In March and April, I’m going follow some additional training, and I hope I will benefit from that. Funny, I had been thinking about therapy for some years already, but I never dared to take that step. And as it turns out, it is a training from work which might finally help me break through the barrier.

I also promised myself that I would start doing things I like. For example, I attended the ballet ‘Don Quichot’ last week, and I absolutely loved it, and am exploring what other cultural events I can attend. I’m also searching the Web for workshops about writing, and I’m still seriously thinking about following a part-time education. In the past, I always used the excuse that I’m alone, so I don’t feel like doing anything. But who cares? Before I forget, I actually like being alone, so why should it stop me from going out and do things? I found that it actually makes me feel better about myself, and who knows, once I start to feel good about myself, I might feel more comfortable around other people.

Things are also looking up at work. For the first time, I actually have the feeling that we are committed to try to improve things. We’ll have to wait and see how that goes, but for now I feel excited and energized, a feeling that has been lacking for far too long. I have lots of ideas in my head, as I think many others as well, and I would be extremely disappointed if this time we fail again in making good progress.

Hmm, actually, when I sum up everything, it does seem to have been a pretty good week. I think my feelings were just a bit skewed towards the bad. Then again, perhaps the answer does not lie in what had happened in the previous days, but what will happen in the following weeks, months or even years. I feel as if I am at a crossroads, and despite my tendency to be still negative about myself, I do believe that I have the choice on which path to follow. Let’s just hope that I possess the courage and wisdom to make the correct decisions.

The Writer – Reader Relationship – Part 1

Maar ik zou niet willen dat deze laatste beweringen meteen tot een andere aanleiding geven, veel gehoord onder slechte schrijvers: dat je alleen voor jezelf schrijft. Wantrouw wie dat zegt, hij is een oneerlijke en leugenachtige narcist.

But I wouldn't want these last assumptions to lead to another conclusion, widely heard amongst lousy writers: that you only write for yourself. Distrust whoever says this, he is a dishonest and lying narcissist.

The above quote is from Umberto Eco in 'On Literature', in a section called 'The Writer and the Reader'. I thought it was funny, as I had a discussion with my cousin Gwen earlier this week on this exact topic. She, speaking more from a journalistic perspective, believes that the writer should always keep the reader in mind, and should therefore always write with the reader in mind. However, I write from a more therapeutic perspective, and I believe that a writer writes primarily for himself, and the reader is of secondary importance. So I couldn't suppress a smile while reading the above passage, even if the implication was that I am a dishonest narcissist.

Of course, the magic word in the quote is 'only'. I may believe that I write primarily for myself, but that does not mean that the reader is of no importance at all. After all, if the reader does not matter, I would have no legitimate reason to keep blogging. If I would write purely for myself, I would be content with leaving my writings in my notebook, or maybe even just in my head, where they can just lie peacefully. So yes, the reader does matter a lot, as writing is in essence another form of communication, so if there is no Reader, my writing would be devoid of any purpose. This realization in itself would, in my opinion, be sufficient to explain that I do not necessarily disagree with Eco, especially since the discussion I had with Gwen was more about the readability of a text (which ironically originated from Eco's 'On Literature', which we said was extremely hard to read and understand), and I believe that that is a completely discussion that what Eco had in mind.

Still, the Writer – Reader relationship is still very much an interesting topic, and strangely enough one that I failed to explore thoroughly in the past, even if only in my head. I need to think about it and hopefully write more about it later.

Reasons for Writing

This is probably the 20^th time I said this, but it's been a while since I last updated my blog. The truth is, with a few notable exceptions, I am not really satisfied with what I have written. Part of the reason is that I still lack the courage to be completely open and honest, so I end up censoring myself. As a result, my writing comes out awkward and strained, as if it doesn't really reflect my feelings and thoughts, but merely a poor copy of it. I always wonder if the readers experience it the same way I do. Do they notice when I'm particularly dissatisfied with a piece of writing?

So, why do I keep coming back? Why do I keep writing even though the self-torturous process of writing itself offers me no real satisfaction? I recently read a passage from Michael Allen's "The Truth about Writing", where he writes that to answer that question, you just have to look at what you daydream about. So what do I daydream about? Is it money? Well, I have certainly often thought how cool it would be if I could become rich with writing, but to be honest, getting rich has never been part of my fantasies. I don't fantasize about having millions or living in a big mansion and stuff like that. No, getting rich would be a nice bonus, but it definitely is not a motivation.

Is it fame then? Ah, we're getting much closer now, and on the surface, the answer would seem to be a wholehearted yes. I have fantasized regularly about being famous, about being recognized for the work I've done. I've daydreamed about giving interviews, or having my face on covers. But when I dug a little deeper however, I realized that fame itself isn't really a motivation at all. Yes, I've dreamt about being on TV or on magazine covers, but they are not the end goal but merely a means to the end. I've never dreamt about adoring fans or being recognized on street (I surely hope not!), but my thoughts always wander to what effect it would have on the people I know. In the end, it is always about impressing the people I know, stemming from a deep-rooted insecurity within myself. It's as if I believe that my current persona is an inadequate representation of myself. But once I become famous however… well, things would surely get much better. People will finally realize how intelligent and sensitive I really am. And then… the world will finally open its eyes and be able to fully appreciate and bask in the glory that is me (Ok ok, I'm exaggerating now, and yes, in case you haven't noticed, I looove to exaggerate).

This course of thinking is completely ridiculous of course, but there you go. Realizing that it's ridiculous does not make it any less true however, that's just how my brain functions apparently. But realizing this does help me recognize what is my true goal when I'm writing. The quality of writing in itself is not the most important aspect. After all, I just discerned that fame and money are not the real motivation behind my writing, it's about communication with other people, about acceptance, from others but also from myself, for who I am. I'm not saying that the quality is not important at all, but it is much more important that I write from my feelings, and that I feel free to do so without worrying too much about the actual wording and structure. Of course, as it turns out, I do my best writing when I feel that freedom. Perhaps it's just a subjective opinion, but that's what I truly believe.

Lately, I have been thinking often about how I wrote as a child. There was so much more creativity and imagination, and so much less fear and anxiety in those stories. I remember writing fantastical stories in Dutch just a few months after moving to the Netherlands. When years later I read them again, I found out that the grammar was completely wrong. But who cares? Just get my ideas and feelings on paper, and if truly needed, I can always correct the grammar and spelling afterwards.

I am trying to rediscover that feeling of freedom and joy I had when writing as a child. I said earlier that the self-torturous process of writing offers me no satisfaction. It wasn't a complete lie, but it was a half-truth at best. Yes, I have often feel frustrated and incompetent when I'm trying to write, but there are moments, moments like now actually, when the words are just flowing on the computer screen, that I feel a deep satisfaction, a satisfaction that I rarely feel in my life otherwise. This is what I love to do, this is who I am, and perhaps in the end that is truly the goal. Even though I am always craving approval from other people, I find that I am at my happiest when I am able to gain approval from myself, when I feel that I have accomplished something. And nothing gives me a bigger sense of accomplishment than writing something I myself believe in.

Self Management II – Renewed Hope

Just finished the second part of the training 'Self Management'. It was very emotional, but something important definitely happened. What was it? Where will it lead to? I'm not sure what the answers are, but I went over an mental cliff today. Who knows, if I look back someday, maybe I will see this moment as a turning point.

I definitely feel different now than I felt yesterday. More at peace with myself somehow. I'm not saying that I solved my internal puzzle, there are still too many unresolved issues. But for the first time in a long while I can feel something within myself again: Hope. I think this hope has been within me this whole time, has never died completely, but that it has been buried beneath all my negativity. It's such a liberating feeling right now. Without that hope, I was starting to feel numb inside, but now I am actually aware of my emotions again. Not all of it is good. Most of it is still fear, sadness and insecurity. But I can feel again! It may hurt a lot, but I realize now that being able to feel that pain is infinitely better than feeling nothing at all.

There is of course still a long, long way to go. Will this feeling last or will it die down again after a couple of weeks? I don't know what the future will bring, but right now I have hope! And that in itself is progress.

P.S. At the end of the training, we each had to randomly pick a quote card by Deepak Chopra. Mine is very appropriate I believe (I'm translating it from Dutch):

My intentions are a source of inspiration – If my intentions are positive, then I am inspired (in contact with the soul) and enthusiastic (in contact with the divine intelligence). I am successful.

Self Management

I had a great training on Thursday and Friday called 'Self Management'. I wasn't entirely sure what to expect at first, but I was happy to find that it was what I actually was hoping for. Instead of focusing on techniques and skills, the training was much more about getting in touch and being aware of your feelings within. Our thoughts and feelings are largely formed by your childhood years, which heavily influences the way you act or behave. We then all develop behavioral patterns which we are barely conscious of, but which are triggered automatically whenever a certain situation or frustration arises. We analyzed a few of these frustrations and the way it triggers our pattern, and it was amazing and emotional to see how these frustrations all stems from a deeper desire or fear. By being aware of this, we then suddenly realize that we have another choice than behaving in the way we have always done. It also allows us to view ourselves and other people in a more compassionate light.

The funny thing is, I was also reading a book about Schema Therapy, which is very similar to what is discussed in the training. I have been struggling with myself more than usual for the last couple of months. I feel I want to change, and need to change, but I was at a loss on how to accomplish this. I have analyzed my thoughts and feelings to death over the years, and I feel I have a pretty good insight, but I can't seem to get beyond that. At times I even wondered whether it would be easier just to give up fighting and give in to my dark side. I knew in my heart that I need help from others, that it felt like a Catch-22. I need help from other people to make myself feel better, but I needed to feel better about myself first before I'm able to seek help from others.

So the timing of the training couldn't have been better. For me, it felt like therapy. For me, it has been a very confrontational and emotional 2 days, and I suspect for the other as well. Hey, for the first time in I don't know how long, I wasn't even thinking about work! This was truly something I needed. Of course, it doesn't mean that I'm 'healed' now, whatever that migt mean, and there are still a lot of unanswered questions which only I can answer for myself. But it does mean that I feel a flicker of hope again that it's not too late to change, that I could still be the person that I want to be, and not who I falsely believe myself to be.

P.S. There will be a follow up of the training of 2 days in 4 weeks time. Can't wait!!

So Obama Won the Nobel Peace Prize

I don't know what the exact reason is behind this decision, but it seems to me more like a hidden statement. Something along the lines of: 'We have placed our hope and trust in your hands, President Obama. Now go forth and bring peace to the world. And while you're at it, do not forget to smite our enemies).' Yikes, talk about pressure!

Alas, if that was the reason, I fear it may also backfire. Even the Obama supporters (not to mention Obama himself) are struggling to find reasons to justify the award. And what's more, this just provides additional ammo to his more zealous opponents for their favorite hobby: Obama-bashing. They will whine for the millionth time about how he owes his popularity, especially outside the US, more to marketing hype (and anti-Bush sentiments) than to his actual achievements. Sigh. As if those people don't have enough to complain about already without offering any real solutions...