Self Management

I had a great training on Thursday and Friday called 'Self Management'. I wasn't entirely sure what to expect at first, but I was happy to find that it was what I actually was hoping for. Instead of focusing on techniques and skills, the training was much more about getting in touch and being aware of your feelings within. Our thoughts and feelings are largely formed by your childhood years, which heavily influences the way you act or behave. We then all develop behavioral patterns which we are barely conscious of, but which are triggered automatically whenever a certain situation or frustration arises. We analyzed a few of these frustrations and the way it triggers our pattern, and it was amazing and emotional to see how these frustrations all stems from a deeper desire or fear. By being aware of this, we then suddenly realize that we have another choice than behaving in the way we have always done. It also allows us to view ourselves and other people in a more compassionate light.

The funny thing is, I was also reading a book about Schema Therapy, which is very similar to what is discussed in the training. I have been struggling with myself more than usual for the last couple of months. I feel I want to change, and need to change, but I was at a loss on how to accomplish this. I have analyzed my thoughts and feelings to death over the years, and I feel I have a pretty good insight, but I can't seem to get beyond that. At times I even wondered whether it would be easier just to give up fighting and give in to my dark side. I knew in my heart that I need help from others, that it felt like a Catch-22. I need help from other people to make myself feel better, but I needed to feel better about myself first before I'm able to seek help from others.

So the timing of the training couldn't have been better. For me, it felt like therapy. For me, it has been a very confrontational and emotional 2 days, and I suspect for the other as well. Hey, for the first time in I don't know how long, I wasn't even thinking about work! This was truly something I needed. Of course, it doesn't mean that I'm 'healed' now, whatever that migt mean, and there are still a lot of unanswered questions which only I can answer for myself. But it does mean that I feel a flicker of hope again that it's not too late to change, that I could still be the person that I want to be, and not who I falsely believe myself to be.

P.S. There will be a follow up of the training of 2 days in 4 weeks time. Can't wait!!

So Obama Won the Nobel Peace Prize

I don't know what the exact reason is behind this decision, but it seems to me more like a hidden statement. Something along the lines of: 'We have placed our hope and trust in your hands, President Obama. Now go forth and bring peace to the world. And while you're at it, do not forget to smite our enemies).' Yikes, talk about pressure!

Alas, if that was the reason, I fear it may also backfire. Even the Obama supporters (not to mention Obama himself) are struggling to find reasons to justify the award. And what's more, this just provides additional ammo to his more zealous opponents for their favorite hobby: Obama-bashing. They will whine for the millionth time about how he owes his popularity, especially outside the US, more to marketing hype (and anti-Bush sentiments) than to his actual achievements. Sigh. As if those people don't have enough to complain about already without offering any real solutions...

Musings on the Last Day of Summer

This is probably one of the few days left in the year where the weather will be this nice. In a way, the weather today is better than it had been during high summer. There is a slight breeze which keeps the temperature cool and provides a fresh breath of air. Once in a while, the sun is able to break through the white clouds and take away the slight chill, and it strikes me every time again at how pleasant that is. Would I have appreciated the sun better if it was shining brightly all the time? Perhaps, or perhaps not. I know most people prefer the hot summer days, and to be honest, I am inclined to agree with them on most occasions. But a day like this has its own specific charms, and it does fit my current melancholic mood better. No throngs of people going out to enjoy the sun and have fun, but just me and the IJ, with only the occasional person strolling or cycling by. I just needed to relax and clear my mind.

For the people who know me well, you may know that I am highly susceptible to negative thoughts regarding myself. And if you have read my previous posts, you may know that I have been struggling to break out of those thoughts. In the last couple of weeks, I have not been able to do that. Instead, my negative thought seem to take hold of me as I found myself spiraling downwards. During those moments, I also tend to break all contact with other people, and just retreat within myself. However, as I sat there today on the long red bench taking in the view, scribbling away in my notebook, I started to ponder. Why do I keep focusing on the negative things when there are also so many positive things?

• I have a pretty good job, and I'm actually good at it if I say so myself. Even more, I also think I have a relatively proactive attitude when it comes to solving problems. If you had told me that 5 years ago, I would have thought you were crazy (or just making a feeble attempt to make me feel better).
  
• I have been working out, and even started running outside regularly. I think my fitness has improved dramatically over the last 2 years, and I consider myself as above average. Seeing how weak and sick I was as a child, this is obviously something I am very proud of.
  
• Even though it is only September, I have read more books this year than any other year before, despite me complaining all the time how busy I am. I try to read whenever I'm in the tram, even if it's just a 10-15 minute ride. If you add that up, that's a lot of free time.
  
• I even started writing again, although most of it is still in my head. I still have trouble actually putting the words down on paper (On hard disk? On Google Docs?), but writing scenes in my head is still better than blocking it out. I'm not happy yet at the level of commitment I'm showing, but it's better to take it slowly than to feel frustrated I guess.
  
• This may sound strange to some of you, but I think I've become more social over the years. Yes, I used to be that bad.
  

So those are a lot of positives I built up over the years, especially knowing what kind of person I used to be. Of course, I still feel there are a lot of things about myself l I need to improve, but I have to remember that it is a long and difficult process. So next time, if I feel bad about myself (I have no doubt that I will have many more of those days), I hope I'll take the time to relax and clear my mind again. And hopefully I´ll be able to remind myself that I have already come a very long way, and in the meantime I´ll just keep working on myself.

An Open Letter to Myself: Part II

Dear me,

You are such an idiot! You say that I drag you down, when in truth you are the one who drags us both down with your stupid hope. You say that I am the reason for your fear, when in truth your unrealistic expectations are the reason for your fear. You call me a dark presence, when in truth I am only protecting you against yourself. The higher your hopes are, the further you have to fall.

Just think back on the last couple of weeks. You fooled yourself into believing that there is hope (again that horrible word!), that there could be something more, but where has it gotten you? Exactly nowhere. The sad thing is that you really struggled to do your best, and that you have nothing to show for it. I bet that nobody is even aware of it. How often have you heard that you should try harder? Or even better still, why don't you just give it a try? Perhaps you will now finally face the truth after all these years of failure: your best is just not good enough.

Just as you will never get rid of me, I will probably never get rid of you. But if you think I am going to go along peacefully with your foolish ideas, you are even crazier than I thought. It would be fucking hilarious if I wasn't the same person as you, but as it is, you are hurting the both of us. So please spare us both the humiliation and stop acting like a fool.

Sincerely mine,

Daniel

An Open Letter to Myself

Dear me,

You have been with me for as long as I can remember. You were always there with me, I could always feel your dark presence. Even in my happiest moments, you were there, lingering within my mind. You were always there with your whisperings, ready to drag me down, ready to beat me back into submission. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Ha! How much I wish that was true!

But you know what?
I am tired of being dragged down because of you.
I am tired of being afraid all the time because of you.
I am tired of making excuses for myself because of you.
And I am tired of not being able to lead life to the fullest because of you.

You have dominated my life long enough. Despite your constant incessant whisperings, I still believe that there is hope. I still believe because I have seen her with my own eyes. And I still believe because I have felt her in my own heart. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, my own heart will always be mine and never fully yours. You see, if that hope is snatched away by the very person I'm hoping for, I will eventually learn to live with that, no matter how much it hurts. But I refuse to have that hope be snatched away by you, before it even have had the chance to be nurtured and to develop into something more.

I realize now that I will never get rid of you and that you'll always be a part of me. So be it. There will be days when you will have the upper hand, when I feel I am defeated. But as long as there is hope, you cannot keep me down forever. I sincerely hope that one day we can be friends, that we can work together towards a common goal. But until then, we will have to find a way to co-exist together.


Sincerely mine,
Daniel

Sijo

I suddenly remembered learning something about the Sijo when I was in Korea. I had to google it to refresh my memory, but I thought I might as well give it a try. So here goes:

…

Inner demons assault my mind; I lie here drained of all hope

Yet there she is smiling at me; hard to believe yet there she is

Is this a dream or is it real? I stand up to find the truth

…

Coming Back

I stopped writing in my blog because I wasn't happy with the direction it was heading. My blog had multiple purposes: practice and improve my writing, a place where I can explore my creativity, a form of therapy where I can let out my feelings. It was supposed to be alive, vibrant and personal. I still remember my first post with fondness, not because it was a literary masterpiece, but because it so perfectly summed up my own feelings towards myself (although I've always wondered if everyone understood that the last line is supposed to be a hopeful message). However, it quickly went downhill after that, and what I wrote was dry and whiny and without really a lot of heart behind it. Maybe others will have a different opinion, but that was how I experienced it. Blogging became a chore, I hated what I was writing, and I just needed a long break away from it to clear my mind.

Somehow that long break ended up being five months. Five months is a long time, and yet so short. I will never understand where all the time has gone. Rarely a day passed by without me thinking what I could write about. Rarely a day passed by without me feeling guilty that I haven't written anything yet again. And rarely a day passed by without me realizing how much writing means to me. It felt like never ending agony, yet at the same time, those five months have flown by.

It seems the urge to write will remain a part of me till the day I die. And until then, no matter how long I have not written anything, I will always return to my notebook or my computer to make another half-assed attempt to tell my stories. It sounds so much like a curse when I put it that way. But during my better days, I like to think of it more as a blessing. In the end, this is really the only way I know how to express my feelings. I have written things which I have never said and never will in my life. Without it, I am afraid that I will completely shut off my feelings and turn into a bitter old man. Or that I will retreat further and further into my own world until I completely lose contact with the real world.

 

…sigh…

Why are the things we can't live without also always the hardest to live with…

Last Friday, the uncertainty was at last over, as the final announcements were made about who had to leave the company. In the end, there was little impact on our department, so that was good news. I knew the chance that I would get laid off was very small, but I was still afraid what it would mean for the people I know, and how the decision will impact our situation at work.

The atmosphere in the last two weeks was definitely very strange. Everyone talked about the coming layoffs, of course, but not excessively so. There were even some jokes made about the whole situation. All in all, things at work almost seemed entirely normal on the surface. However, I don't think anyone really felt in a normal way, and you could constantly feel that tension hanging in the air.

And now it's official, I'm not sure what to think or how to feel. Do I feel relieved? Do I feel guilty for feeling relieved? Am I angry? Am I sad? Do I disagree with the whole situation, or am I able to rationalize the decisions to a certain degree? I don't know, in the end I feel all of these things, and yet I feel none of them at the same time. I don't know if that makes sense at all, but that's the closest description I can come up with. It also feels like an anti-climax. For 2 weeks, this has been a large part of the lives of myself and people around me, and now the moment has come and gone, what does it really mean? On Monday, the world will just keep going on again, like it has always done, almost as if nothing had happened at all.

At least I had time this weekend to clear my mind. Strangely, I feel less tired at the moment than before. I admit I haven't thought much about work this weekend, and barely even touched my laptop at all, so that helps. For some reason, this weekend also seemed longer than usual, even though we lost an hour today due to daylight savings. I guess it's just another sign that I should stop thinking about work so much.

However, that feeling of tiredness seems to have been replaced by a feeling of melancholy. For the last 2 years, I thought I had my life almost figured out. Even though I never really have a life plan, I thought I would be fine as long as I stayed in the current path. But now my inner doubts are starting to creep to the surface again. Is this really what I want? I worked so hard during the last few years, but can I seriously say I feel like I achieved anything? Am I actually happy with my life and where it is headed? I'm not sure, but answering 'no' to these questions don't feel as improbable as it would have seemed a year ago…

P.S. I realize it sounded petty when I mentioned in my last post that I was angry that my salary has been frozen, and reading back, I don't think I put my comments in the right context. It's more the combination of things that got me pissed: even though the company made a lot of profit last year, we still had to cut people AND freeze salaries? If they were to freeze salaries so we could keep more people, I would have understood (of course, management said that we would have to cut even more people if salaries were not frozen…). I can understand cutting costs in the face of the economic crisis, but I felt and still feel these measures were too extreme.